just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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