Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
