woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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