Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
