You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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