Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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