I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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