nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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