broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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