Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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