Got a toothbrush?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
