Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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