I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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