I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
