just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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