Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
