I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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