Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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