I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
