i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
