I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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