Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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