Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
