I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
