my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
