I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
