I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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