just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
