Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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