threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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