Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
