my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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