Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize