whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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