Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
