For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
