***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
