I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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