he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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