I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
