I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
