hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
