Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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