I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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