I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
