matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
