its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
