I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
