too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
