tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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