How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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