dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
