He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
