sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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