No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
